Morning, Cleggie! No! No what? No anything - means not yes,
means forget it. All I said was good morning!
That's very sneaky, Howard - worming into people, wishing them good morning.
Why d'you think I'm after something? You're always after something!
Could you honestly pass the Pearl test?
If I mention HER name, would you go whiter than white? That's not fair!
I always go white!
You've upset me now, Cleggie. You really know how to hurt a person.
I was on me way out.
All I said was good morning.
And you don't want anything? An apology would be nice.
Good morning, Howard.
You're a hard man, Norman Clegg.
Suppose he REALLY didn't want anything?
Look at me - I'm the neighbour from hell!
What are you doing out there?
I just come to wish thee happy birthday. It's not me birthday.
Oh, right! I'll come in and wait then.
You won't come in and wait! It'd be no trouble. It would be for me!
Hey-up! Have you thought about this?
It must get very boring living on your own.
Could you not do with a man about the house? That's almost as attractive as dry rot!
Well, could we compromise? Could I come just at weekends?
Oh, get off home, and take that thing with you!
You sure you know what you're doing?
No, I'm not sure at all.
I thought I recognised the signs. Have you always been this useless?
I don't like to boast, but I've got better at useless as I've got older.
I like your honesty. It's a lot more impressive than your technical competence.
Would you like me to look at it? And how's your technical competence?
It's probably no better than yours, but I bluff better! It's the first thing you learn as a policeman.
Mending vacuums?! Not many people know that. We try to keep it quiet!
Otherwise, people would always be bringing their old vacuums.
How long have you had this machine?
Oh, it's nearly new. Let's get a little more precise here. How old?
Well, it can't be more than... 12 years?
Never happy, some people, unless they're at the white-hot edge of technology(!)
Hey-up! What's thou doing out here?
I'm waiting to use the phone box. Why?
Sometimes people have to make telephone calls of a personal nature,
that they wouldn't want other people to overhear. Oh, that kind of call?
One of these days, Howard, thou's gonna get thy wires crossed... It's a perfectly innocent phone call.
It's just personal, that's all.
Why didn't you use Cleggie's phone? He was being quite unreasonable.
He thinks I'm always up to something. Hey-up, there's Pearl. Where? Where?
Just kidding! You've gone white.
How long's that bloke been in there? It seems like forever.
Why don't you throw him out? He's just a tiddler. That's not my style.
Do you want me to throw him out? Would you? Would I?!
I've got ferrets at home bigger than him! Just watch.
Right! Out...
um...
was the message he gave me over there!
Otherwise he'll sort you out.
I think I should warn you, he once wrestled under the name of The Deadly Weapon!
Are you good with electricity? Years of experience.
I switch it on and off every day!
I knew it! Those are not a surgeon's fingers.
There's a barmpot loose in my vacuum!
Then of course there are certain police practices that are guaranteed to send electricity up your spine.
You did unplug it?
Of course! I'm not completely unqualified electrically!
I'm impressed. Norman Clegg, rocket scientist!
I did think about it, but then the Co-op came up with this alternative offer in the lino department.
I think where we went badly wrong was when you told him to get knotted.
He were insulting thee!
I couldn't stand by and let him insult thee. Thanks(!)
Now, why didn't I think of that?
He got into an argument with this fella.
Looks like YOU lost!
He was big! It was mistaken identity. He thought I was a wrestler.
I see. Not only big, but incredibly stupid.
Well, can't you get it undone?
The knots are very tight. It needs stronger fingers.
I'll just nip to Cleggie's. What was the argument about?
We've no idea - have we? No, no! He mistook us for somebody else.
I refuse to believe there could be more of you!
I've got to go. There's a lady waiting for a phone call from me.
When everything's new, they can't ring you fast enough.
When they're in that first glow of extra-marital monkey business, they never keep you waiting.
Well, that's it - finished.
I'm not here to be some man's plaything.
Well, not over a telephone, anyway.
Off you go, then, girl.
No looking back - unless of course you hear it ring!
All right, don't ring. See if I care.
Aah!
Nice morning!
I have to make a phone call. Make it.
It's rather personal. He thinks we're going to listen!
I wouldn't like anyone to listen.
Howard, we're gentlemen! Not great with electricity, but gentlemen.
A person's waiting for this call.
I wonder who that person is. I bet we'd never guess. The mysterious Madam X! Give us a clue, Howard!
As a matter of fact, it's my psychic consultant.
Hey! Ho-ho! Consult her every day, do you, Howard?
Mostly at moments of personal crisis. Oh, as often as that?
Here - if she's so psychic, how come she needs a telephone?
We're not listening, Howard. Make the call. Sure you won't listen?
We won't be listening!
You're sure you're not listening?
We're not listening!
SQUEAKING
You think men are reliable. Next thing you know you've got a buckled wheel and a loose front fork.
You look like you're in trouble. Mother warned me this would happen.
It's the only way I can get a lift! What? No...
Be kind to me, Barry! I've got a loose front fork!
Look at that! That's how I'll always remember your father.
At least you always know where he is, Mother. It's not natural - married to feet!
He even spoiled the wedding photographs.
I should have a framed photograph of his boots on the mantelpiece,
with a carnation through a lace hole.
Any more complaints? Yes. Look what a state you're in.
Without your cap, you'd be unrecognisable as a human being.
Anything else? Have you mended Glenda's clock? It's on the bench.
Thank you, Dad. No problem...apart from your mother!
She loves you really. I know. It's just that round here, love feels like corrective training.
And you working for a building society!
That's how they get the mortgages, is it?
I wonder if you'd have a look at this for me, Mr Pegden.
Marina's got a loose front fork.
That's certainly the general opinion round town!
Why are you staring at me?
You've got lipstick on, lad! Oh, ye gods!
I tried to struggle, but she nips under your guard.
Next thing, there's this tremendous pressure...and that's just her lips.
She was grateful for the lift. It looks like it.
Where are you going? To the mirror to wipe me face.
Not in there!
Barry!
CRASH! BANG!
CUCKOO!
I don't know who he thinks wants to listen, anyway. As if we would!
KNOCKING
Have you seen Howard? Howard?
About this big, with a guilty expression.
Oh, I see you managed to get him unknotted,
which is more than I ever could.
No answer.
I knew it.
I'm far too late. She's gone.
Gone, has she?
Who's "she"?
Actually, I've been sworn to secrecy.
If it's swearing you want, just wait till I get you home! Who is she?
An old lady with a wart he's trying to cure. The doctors won't touch it.
He's fearless with unsightly warts.
I know. I've seen him with her.
Who were you phoning?
His psychic consultant. She does wonderful things, almost entirely on yoghurt.
How long have you had a psychic consultant?
I like to make sure everything is working favourably for us, love.
You want your future telling?
It looks bleak!
Get yourself home.
Right, then.
Here we go. Plug it in.
MOTOR STARTS
Have you ever seen the chief constable?
I've seen him once. There was a parade.
The mayor was in it.
I've never actually seen him. I've seen what he does to our inspector.
What does he do to our inspector? You haven't noticed?
If there's a rumour that the chief constable is within 20 miles, our inspector goes apesby!
They all do that! Not as bad as our inspector.
His voice changes. He goes up two octaves.
You'd think he was trying to disguise himself as a policewoman.
Hey-up! That's a bit Red Arrows! We'll have him!
SIREN WAILS
He's going like a train. We'd never catch him.
Do you want me to radio it in? I think in these situations...
you have to think about the paperwork.
You're right. It's not worth all the paperwork.
Hey-up!
He's coming back!
Then it was a shrewd move on our part, waiting to ambush him! True.
It's amazing how you develop a feel for these things.
And look at his three suits in the wardrobe. I was going to give them to Oxfam, but then I thought -
if there's anybody with a waist that size, they're hardly starving.
You can't throw it all away. You have to have a few memories.
What have you got of your Wally's?
His cap's still behind the door. Wherever he is, he'll never rest unless he knows where his cap is.
I get this terrible guilt. Did I kill him with fried bread?
Oh, he was brought up on fried bread. No. It was his destiny.
Oh, I think me marriage is in ruins.
Another woman, Barry? No, thanks. I'll have a cup of tea.
Then I'll get aspirin at the chemist.
Cheer up, for goodness' sake. If she's still hitting you, there's still some affection there.
Quite a bit, from the look of that lump.
It was a cuckoo clock. Oh! Not another woman.
Well, yeah. First another woman, then a cuckoo clock.
Do you realise what speed you're doing, sir?
Er...madam? I'm glad you noticed that.
I wonder if you would be prepared to sign something to that effect?
I'm road-testing this fine machine to make sure it's safe before I offer it for sale.
Should you be racing motorcycles at your time of life?
Do I tell YOU how fast to go at what you do best?
Have you got a licence for this?
I was riding motorcycles, young man, before you were in your pushchair.
And I don't mean that twin pram with the blue light! We're worried about your safety.
Safety?! On a machine of this calibre?
Have you noticed its fine lines?
Why don't you ride it a few hundred yards? You'll see what a wonderful machine it is.
And it's a very reasonable price. A giveaway!
Practically a giveaway.
Lipstick, Barry? It could happen to anybody!
Don't say that! You try telling that to our Glenda.
You accidentally stumbled into this person's lips.
You ought to have put up more of a struggle, Barry. I tried!
The lady was surprisingly strong.
I don't mean Marina. I mean Glenda. Oh, I don't argue a lot with Glenda.
There's your trouble right there.
Cheer up, Barry. We'll get you out of it. How?
Are you going to tell him how?
I'll think of something. I got very high marks in devious!
Barry, given a choice between being in trouble like you are,
and being helped by Truly, I think you'd be better off where you are.
Pay no attention, lad. You'll be in the hands of a master.
At dropping people in it! Nonsense.
I've got an idea.
KNOCKING
I knew he'd turn up. Not only an ideas man, but psychic, too.
Don't dirty my window!
Catch us up when you've got some aspirin, Barry. You'll need them!
Does thou think there's anything in this psychic stuff? All women are psychic.
They know instinctively when you're not telling the full story.
The former Mrs Truelove is undoubtedly psychic. She knew just how to hit you where it hurt.
What was thou doing in there? Trying to find a way out.
And they were no help.
Let's look at this logically. What is the boy's problem?
Mainly, it's gonna be you!
His problem is that Glenda thinks it's unusual that people should show traces of lipstick.
Not so much unusual, more unwise.
I know that. I've got the bump to prove it.
We need a way to make lipstick look less unusual - harmless, in fact.
Wives don't think that lipstick's harmless, not when it's not theirs.
I've never seen her so lose control with a cuckoo clock. Unlawful lipstick - it does that!
Then we'll have to alter that. How's thou gonna do that?
Suppose she kissed him for charity?
It didn't feel like Christian Aid!
Why did he need so much charity? What about us poor blokes?
Not HIS charity! Some other charity - a sort of sponsored kiss.
Oh, I could do that!
Count me out. I like a bit of lipstick!
Your women never wore lipstick! They wore boots and donkey jackets.
Only in bed!
Look, all I'm saying is,
if there's going to be a sponsored kiss - I am ready!
I've lived too long with the same wallpaper for anything like that.
It doesn't have to BE a sponsored kiss. We just have to make Glenda believe it was a sponsored kiss.
How are we going to do that? As long as we don't go near a cuckoo clock.
First of all, we need some lipstick.
Don't look at me. I'm vegetarian!
Hey-up! Here comes our lipstick.
You mean she wears lipstick? On her lips?
Of course she wears lipstick! Are you sure?
Doesn't she just file her teeth till they're sharp? She wears lipstick.
I've seen her wearing it. I don't know how he dare look!
Lend us a lipstick, love!
Keep away! What do you want lipstick for?
It's for charitable purposes, madam.
Some ladies are doing a sponsored kiss. They've run low on lipstick.
Why wasn't I informed? I could've helped make t'sandwiches.
A sponsored kiss?
It's for charity. I expect it's something else that Brussels has made compulsory.
I think the world's gonna remain potty until they raise the age of consent to 45.
If young people had to cycle as much as we did, they'd appreciate the benefits of frigidity!
I blame the Common Market for my Howard behaving as it he's French!
And I accused him...
and all the time my Barry was doing it for charity!
Poor Barry! Why is he poor?
I hit him with that cuckoo clock!
Was it a big cuckoo clock?
Not particularly. Well, there you go, then.
If he's gonna sulk every time you hit him with a bit of a cuckoo clock...
He'll not come to any harm, being hit with a cuckoo clock.
You're far too soft with him. If you listened to my advice, you'd hit him regularly with a cuckoo clock.
Aren't you supposed to have a reason?
Any competent wife can soon find a reason.
If you can't think of a reason, love, give me a ring.
I'll supply you with a handful off the shelf.
I need a smoother cheek.
This one requires a four-wheel drive.
I'm an off-the-road sort of person.
I'm just going to give you a smudge. You read about these things. Will it come off? Of course it will!
If it didn't, there'd be twice the number of divorces there are now.
That doesn't look right, Cleggie at the end of a lipstick!
No - it doesn't look natural.
It doesn't look as if you've been kissed. If you don't mind, that's an impression I'd like to maintain!
Rub it off. Try doing it with your fingers. Hold your finger out.
Right.
Here... Oh, ye gods!
Where have you had this finger?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Fingers get about! This one does!
Give me another finger. They're all the same!
Where one goes, the other goes! Point taken.
Now...
you've got your fingers daubed.
Dab it on your cheeks and see if it looks more like you've been kissed.
I hope this doesn't upset my hormonal balance!
No, it still doesn't look good. It's not natural. It still doesn't look as if you've been kissed.
There's only one thing that leaves an imprint like a kiss - the lips.
I suggest we all put lipstick on and kiss each other on the cheek. Oh!
Just pretend you're French and you're giving someone a medal.
What am I gonna tell the wife? It's none of her business.
Does that usually matter? No, not a lot.
So what WILL you tell the wife? That we bought a motorbike.
What's unusual about that? She might point out we both have cars and don't ride motorbikes.
What are you asking me for?
What are you gonna tell YOUR wife? I'm hoping you'll tell me.
Now, who gets the first kiss?
I say!
I think they took advantage of us.
They gave us a good price.
We didn't want a motorbike!
We didn't want them talking, either! We'd have had to leave town.
This big dillop made it worse.
I was trying to explain to them that I was Truly of the Yard.
It wasn't my fault he thought I said Trudy!
Trudy of the Yard! I like it!
I just hope word never gets back to my former colleagues.
I shall be off their Christmas card list. "Norman Clegg," they'll say, "ran off to be a bag lady!"
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd